something really not to blog about

Oh to have and not to have a job. I know the blog world is full of good things, things that make us all want what looks so good from our side of the computer screen. But today i figured i would commit a blog no-no and be extremely honest, and i guess to sooth my soul a little, and to avoid having to answer a million questions and bad looks.

So six weeks ago i got offered a job at a place i won't disclose. Yesterday was my first day. i have been trying to find a job like this since oct, but i wasn't excited...i was scared. i went to some training at the beginning of dec and i should have realized then that it wasn't a good fit, the staff wasn't very nice, they used really poor unprofessional language (i'm still bursting my utah bubble about tons of stuff) anyways. Yesterday i had a horrible day. i have trained and trained dozen and dozens of people and its never fun to train or to be new, but yesterday was a really bad day. i literally had to ask them several times to train me, to show me how to empty the voicemail, etc etc etc, and we only saw 5 patients....can you be more bored. i don't want to continue being negative but it took every effort not to cry and those of you that know me, or have worked with me know that i'm all business and don't cry. but needless to say once i walked out of the clinic the tears came and came. I felt so disrespected, so overlooked, so unwelcomed and the list goes on. spence is such a sweet heart and he supports me so much. its hard sometimes i feel so unsuccessful, and i want to be able to provide for him, i see all the hard work he puts into medical school and it kills me to know that i'm not adding any relief financially, and that i don't have something in my life that makes me be so driven. I just am bummed out, because i really want a job, but now i'm so scared to even apply....what if it doesn't work out again. what if no one likes me...what if i've gotten too comfortable at home...what if...what if..what if..and the doubts keep flying. so tell me how do you get that confidence in your life that makes you conquer everything, that makes you believe in yourself more than anything else in the world??? i am thankful i have spence he is the best person in the whole world he really gets me...and i'm hard to get. i am thankful that i realize doubt and horrible thoughts comes from Satan. and even though now i don't have the strength to push Satan away at least i know i have the power to make him vanish and stop picking on me. so today i'm feeling a real down, but i have hope that something good is just around the corner and i'm gonna work hard to eventually find it and prove to myself that i deserve it...thanks for the venting session.