longing...journal entry

It is hard to believe that just a year ago at this time i was longing and hoping to have the chance to be the greatest thing in the world, what you might ask, a mom.

i remember thinking to myself,

will i ever have the chance to be a mom?? what am i doing wrong, why can't i get and stay pregnant? everyone else seems to have it figured out, i hear people say its in the water...well then i must find that water. is there something wrong with me? and the questions, longing, and heart ache continued.

for those of you who know the pains and anguish of having such a deep and honest desire to be a mom and to have you hopes and dreams shaken each month as you take yet again another pregnancy test only to realize nope not this month, this entry is for you, and mostly for myself.

i pleaded with Heavenly Father, saying i just want to be a mom, just to have one little baby i don't need 6kids just one, i just want the opportunity of being a mom. to love someone so unconditional, and to have someone love me so unconditionally in return.

i often thought of my mom and sisters, they were the reasons i wanted to be a mom. i love them all so much and wanted to share in the secret society of motherhood with them...

i can say i really had a quite longing for awhile. going to many activities and seeing cute little ones running around i use to tell spencer, "i want one of those" and he did too.

i'll never forget the longing i had, and i'll never discount the longing some of you might have.

its a hard road to go down, i helped so many women at Dr. Glenn's office go through months of longing and anguish that when it was my turn to wear the hat, i was really disappointed and scared to say the least.

i could go on...on...on about all the feelings and thoughts i had, but now here i sit a year later with 2 babies. not just one but 2, i still remember saying i want just one baby heavenly father, let me have just one of your little ones for awhile, i promise i'll do my best.

well He sent me 2!

i look back and remember the moment the test showed positive...i was so excited but too scared to really enjoy anything. as time went on the excitement continued and the fear increased. i can honestly say i never celebrated being pregnant, i couldn't celebrate for fear of something going wrong. thats what 6months of laying in bed starring at the ceiling will do to someone.

but wow, i made it! i did it! i sacrificed everything i possibly could to get these babies here, and i'm keeping my promise no matter what, i will do my best.

and when times get rough and nights get long, i hold my girls and think...what would life be like without you. and i remember, i remember how i longed for you, how i cried for you.

and now how i am so so so glad for you, and for all the hard times and bad news, and what seemed very little ups with so so many downs, all of it, i did what it took to get you here, even if it meant waiting longer than i had hoped.

because of all this, this longing, i can never take you for granted, because there were many a times when you almost didn't make it to me.

i love you babies! i love that you chose me, and that i get to be your mom. i don't know how i got lucky enough to have 2 at a time, but i do like to think that you wanted to make this incredible journey of life together, there is nothing better than having a sister.

i'm going to keep each moment as precious as possible.

i promise i'll do my best (and i know if i don't quincy will probably tell me, she is just that way:))

and as i keep my promise, i'll also never forget the longing i once had for you, and the dream that you both made come true.